


Dean's Son

by ImagineTheUnthinkeble



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Love, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Gay Sex, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-02-09 18:40:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18643873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineTheUnthinkeble/pseuds/ImagineTheUnthinkeble
Summary: Dean finds is really hard to tell his family that he has a boyfriend. When he does, nobody is surprised, only Dean himself. When Castiel gets Dean convinced to move in with him, their life couldn't get any better, but then a young policeman shows up on their doorstep.





	1. The coming out

_ Two years ago _   


It was a dark and rainy evening when Castiel first met Dean. He was stranded on the side of the road when a black Impala stopped beside him. When Dean got out of his car, Castiel was blown away by the beauty of him and quickly tried to flirt with him only to find out Dean was either not into guys or not into him. It took Dean only 5 minutes to find out what was wrong with his car and he told Castiel to drive home with him to his garage and that he would get Castiel’s car tomorrow.

“Where are you from? I can bring you there. I actually have a garage, so I will get your car tomorrow and I’ll fix it. It’s not that bad, but I don’t have the tools to fix it right now and it is too late to get my truck”.

“No, that’s okay. I’m not in a hurry. I am actually not from around here, so if you could bring me to a motel or something. That would be great.”

“We don’t have a motel in town. The next motel is at least half an hour away. You could crash on the couch in the garage, I don’t mind. It is not like you can go anywhere!”

“Well, if you offer! I am not known to reject a good sleepover! I am sleeping over, let me introduce myself; I am Castiel”

“Dean”

Castiel got next to Dean in the Impala and when he drove away, the music got turned on. Classic rock… Somehow it totally fitted with Dean. He definitely looked like a tough guy, but he was also not afraid to help a stranger. Castiel looked at the guy next to him, he wished he could see him in daylight. He had to be one of the prettiest guys he had ever seen.

Dean felt the look of the stranger next to him and wondered what he was thinking. It kind of was an impulse to ask him to crash at his place. It was not something he did regularly, but somehow he wanted this man to stay in his life a little longer than his regular customers. Dean always had a thing for men, but never admitted it. Tonight it was a little different. He wanted to deny the strange feeling, but he couldn’t deny he was attracted to Castiel. He didn’t even know anything about him, just that he had a shitty taste in cars and was not afraid of sleeping at some weird guys couch.

When they arrived at the garage, Castiel wondered if Dean would have someone waiting for him. He actually wanted to know if Dean would be offended if he tried flirting again. 

“So, your girlfriend won’t mind that you have someone coming over in the middle of the night?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter. I only have to tell Bobby, he was the previous owner of the garage and he will be here tomorrow and he will throw you out if I don’t warn him. I’ll just send him a text later”

“I guess I am lucky then, I get to sleep with such a handsome guy!”

Dean’s cheeks turned red and he just opened the door for Castiel and when they walked into the garage Dean saw what Castiel really looked like. His breath stopped for a minute when piercing blue eyes met his and couldn’t stop looking into them. When he realized Castiel had noticed him staring, he let his eyes drop and quickly walked towards the room where Bobby had let him crash before he worked full-time for Bobby. These days he lived in the space above the garage. It had a little kitchen and shower; it was all he really needed.

“You can crash here, if you need anything, I live above the garage you can just knock on the door. If you want you can take a shower there tomorrow, just let me know. I want to get your car before I open the garage, so I’ll leave around six. You don’t need to come with me, I’ll tell you when your car is ready”

“Thank you so much, Dean. You really are a knight in shining armor!”

When the door slammed, all Castiel could do was laugh. Dean definitely was into guys, Castiel just wasn’t sure if he was ‘out’ yet.

After their first meeting, it took Castiel only 10 times to somehow accidentally break down his car and get Dean on their first date.

_ Now _

“Come on Dean, we have been dating for almost a year now. You’re gonna have to tell your brother and Bobby about it. I know it is scary, but I am so sick of you trying to hide me and that we have to go out of town to hold hands or to kiss. We have been taking it slowly all year and I just want to show you off! This doesn’t mean that we have to go to the next stage with everything”

Castiel teased Dean while he was putting his jacket on. He had to leave before Bobby came and was done with sneaking away before anyone saw them together. It was not like nobody noticed something was going on between them. Castiel bought a house in town and came over to the garage at least once a day. Dean told his friends and family that Castiel was just a friend and if he was honest, it hurts him. He gets where Dean is coming from, but he can’t keep this up forever. Last night when Dean fell asleep in his arms, Castiel decided that Dean had to choose. Tell his family about him, or let Castiel go and it would be over. He couldn’t do this anymore, he had told his family and friends, but they had never met Dean because Dean wasn’t ready. It was not like he had many friends, Castiel was always traveling and the only friend that kept up with him was Claire Novak and Castiel only had contact with his brother Gabriel. They called him often asking about Dean, but by now they don’t really care anymore because they don’t get to meet him.

“At least let me introduce me to my family, you will see that they are totally fine with it. They know that I am gay and I am sure they will love you for being a bit shy. Gabriel will probably tease you a bit and Claire will roll her eyes and ask you why you are making it so hard for yourself, but they will definitely love you”

“I don’t know, Cas, it’s just… I have always been known to be a womanizer and never had a serious relationship. I don’t want to screw this up, Cas. I really do like you, but what if they don’t accept me?”

“They will accept you, Dean, you are their family and their friend. You don’t change as a person, you only changed your view towards men. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t attracted to women anymore! And I have to be honest with you, I want you to make a choice. Tell your family about me, at least Sam, or I’ll be gone”

This got Deans attention. He looks at Cas with wide eyes. Various scenarios played out in his head, all ending with Cas leaving if he didn’t tell Sam about him. He put his head in his hands and sighed. He didn’t want to lose the first real love in his life, he hadn’t told Cas yet that he loved him but he did. He wasn’t ready to let this go yet, but he also wasn’t ready to tell the world about them.

“Okay”

“Okay, what Dean?”

“I’ll Sam, Eileen, Bobby, and Ellen. When I’ve told them I will decide if I want to tell Benny and Crowly. The rest of the world can find out when they see us together”

“Ohh Dean, you have no idea how much this means to me”

Castiel walked to Dean and took him into his arms.

“I know it is hard, but I want to show you what it is like when we can date like normal people. When we can stay with each other more than just a few hours. I want to show you what it can be like if we go for it. Don’t worry, I will be there with you, you don’t have to do this on your own”

“Thank you, Cas”

“Dean… look at me! It is going to be okay, we can do this as long as we are together”

  _Three days later_

Dean paved through the living room of Sam and Eileen's house. The family dinner they had once a month had never been so nerve-wracking to him. He looked at Cas, sitting on the couch looking at him and smiling softly. Dean wanted to just take him and run, but he couldn’t. He had just to manage the next hour and then they would know and everything would be over. He looked at Sam and Eileen preparing dinner together. Using sign language and laughing about some mistakes Sam would still make. The domestic vibe they gave, eased Dean a bit and he fell down on the couch next to Castiel.

“It is going to be okay, Dean, they will accept you. You are still their brother”

“I hope so, I am just going to tell them when Bobby and Ellen are here too. I can’t do this twice.”

“I know and you don’t have to. We can do this as soon as they are here. Then you can at least enjoy the pie Eileen made”

When Bobby and Ellen arrived, they looked surprised at Castiel. Dean hadn’t told them he would bring him.

“Well, it was about time he brought you to family dinner,” Ellen said to Castiel and smiled softly at him.

“He is gonna tell us today, isn’t he?”

“Yes, and I haven’t seen this nervous since our first date. He really thinks you guys have no idea”

“We’ve known since he left Lisa, she was the only girl that he ever really loved, but he still missed something. That was around the time we said to each other he might be into guys as well. The sweet boy, always afraid to disappoint people around him, never thinking about his own happiness”

When they all sat down at the table, Sam and Dean said simultaneously “We’ve got something to tell you guys”

Everyone laughed and the tension was broken down. Sam and Dean looked at each other waiting for the other one to go first.

“Well, I might as well just get over it and tell you. So, I guess I am into guys as well and Cas is actually my boyfriend”

Dean looked at his hands and was afraid to look up into the eyes of his brother. He just couldn’t, what if he was disappointed in him? Or even worse, didn’t accept him? When he heard someone silently laughing, Dean careful looked up and saw everyone looking at him with a big grin on their faces.

“What… What did I miss?”

“You really thought we didn’t know? You couldn’t stop talking about Cas the last year and you always were into guys, you just wouldn’t admit it, but that doesn’t mean that we didn’t know” Sam took his brother's hand and squeezed it softly. 

“But Sam… You could’ve just asked me. Then I would have known that you guys would be okay with”

“We wanted you to be okay with it yourself, you had to accept it yourself first. We didn’t want you to be pushed into something you might not have wanted” Ellen explained

“So you guys don’t mind?”

“Why would we, Dean, we just want you to be happy, that’s all we ever wanted. We don’t care if that’s with a woman of a man. And I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time”

Sam got up from his place and hugged Dean.

“You always manage to make it harder on yourself. We love you no matter what, just remember that Dean”


	2. Let's move in together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here is chapter two! Hope you like it!

It has been months since Dean came out to his family. It had turned his life upside down. Not in a bad way; he told his friends about Castiel, met Castiel’s friends and family, but most of all he could take Castiel on a date in town. They could just walk outside holding hands, without Dean being terrified anyone would notice. It had been a long time since Dean had felt so happy, he just could not understand how he could have gotten so lucky with a man like Castiel.

Dean leaned over the engine of a car when Castiel entered the garage. It put a smile on Cas’ face, he would never get enough of that side. He walked towards Dean and put his hands on the man’s hips. He laughed when Dean jumped and hit his head against the hood of the car.

“Was that really necessary, Cas?” Dean asked grimly.

“No, but I couldn’t help myself. I am gonna take everything change I get to touch you. That is actually why I am here, I want to ask you something”

“Yeah?”

“I want you to move in with me”

“I am sorry, you want what?”

“You heard me, Dean. I want you to move in with me. It’s not like it would change much. You would leave this shit hole you call your home and come and live with me. You can actually have someone taking care of you. I work from home, so I have time to cook and look after you. I really don’t see any reason why this would be a bad idea”

“Cas…”

“You don’t have to worry about the Impala, you can use my garage for her and work on her in your free time. You don’t have to be in this garage all the time Dean. We can actually have a life together. It will be the closest to a domestic lifestyle we’ll ever be. Just tell me what I have to do to convince you”

“Cas… Listen…”

“No, you listen to me. You are the best thing to ever have happened in my life. I never thought I would be able to stay in one place for a longer time, now look at me. I’m here for more than three years now. What else do you need to get your stubborn ass to believe I am here to stay. What do you need me to say? You want me to say that I love you because I do, I just didn’t want to say it because I was afraid that you wouldn’t say it back. So yeah, I am in this for the rest of my life, just let me show you…”

“Cas… just stop!”

“What?”

Dean grabbed Castiel's shoulders and gently shook him. He looked Cas deep into his eyes.

“Just give me the chance to talk man! Did you mean it?”

“What? The moving in part or the love thing?”

“The love thing”

“Of course, how can I not. You are all I ever dreamed of. You don’t believe me? Let me tell you again; I love you, Dean. I love you”

“I love you too, Cas. More than anything”

Cas smashed his lips into Deans. His body sank into Deans waiting arms. He kissed his boyfriend like he never did before. All reservation was gone, at that moment they both realized that they had chosen for each other. There was nothing that could change that. When they broke apart, Cas smiled at the lost look on Deans face.

“So that’s a yes then?”

“To what?”

“Do you want to move in with me?”

“Yes of course. Why would you think I wouldn’t want to. I thought that kiss said enough”

“Convince me again then”

“Uhh… I like seeing that you guys are into each other, but I really don’t have to see my brother hitting it off!” Sam’s voice brought the couple back to reality and they laughed at the disgusted but slightly smiling face of Dean’s little brother.

“Sammy! What are you doing here? I didn’t forget anything, did I?”

“Can’t I just come over and visit my favorite brother?”

“I am your only brother, so I have to be your favorite one. I’m gonna move in with Cas, Sammy. He kind of just asked me?”

“Finally, it was about time. You finally got him to move out of the garage Cas?”

“Yeah, well I always told him he couldn’t live here forever, but he didn’t take the bait. So I decided to just ask him straight away”

“You know I am standing here too, right. I can hear you!” Dean interrupted his boyfriend and took Sam outside.

“So, what are you doing here. Don’t tell me you came here just to see me and Cas together. That’s not you. It’s the middle of the day, don’t you have to work or something?”

“I actually came to tell you something. I am gonna be a Dad, Dean. We just came back from the doctor and I wasn’t supposed to say anything until Eileen past the twelve weeks norm, but I just had to tell you. I am actually going to be a Dad!”

Dean hugged Sam tightly, trying to find some words. He never thought Sam and himself would ever be really happy and now he had Cas and Sam had Eileen and they were going to have a baby!

“That’s awesome Sam!” Dean manages to say.

“You are going to be an amazing father Sammy, I know you didn’t have the best examples, but I know you. You and Eileen are going to be wonderful parents!”

“That is where you’re wrong Dean. I did have a good example, it might not have been Dad, but I had you. You were an amazing example to me, just like you are going to be an amazing uncle!”

Dean couldn’t say anything, so he just hugged Sam again and hid his tears.

 

_ One week later _

“Is that everything Dean?”

“Yes, just let me lock up and then we can go home”

Home… He was actually gonna go home. For the first time in a long time, he really felt like he found a real home. A home he was going to share with Castiel, a home where they would build a life together. Dean turned 40 some weeks ago and always thought he would live above the garage for the rest of his life. Of course, he had hoped Cas would have asked him to move in with him, but he just couldn’t convince himself that it would actually ever happen. Suddenly Dean felt two strong arms around him.

“Are you ready”

“Yes, I was just wondering how I ever got so lucky. I never thought I would leave the garage unless I had to sell it”

“I am the one who got lucky; let’s go home!’

When they arrived at Castiel’s house, Dean looked at the place as if he had never seen it before. A small white house in the middle of nowhere, but Dean didn’t need a big house to feel at home. This house had big trees surrounding it and making it look even smaller. The garden was full of flowers, o man Cas and his love for bees, behind the house were more flowers and in the back, there was a small terrace with a barbecue. Dean imagined him and Cas sitting there talking about their day and enjoying the evening breeze.

“Do you like it? We can change some things if you want”

Castiel’s voice brought Dean back from his thought and he smiled at his boyfriend.

“No, it's perfect, but you and your bees man!”

“What? I like them and they like flowers, don’t tell me you don’t like flowers. I know you do”

“Yeah, but I don’t like bees! They sting!”

“Only if you make them angry”

“Let’s go inside. I don’t have much, but I like to put these few boxes inside. Where do you want me to put them?”

“It's your house to, Dean. You can put them wherever you like. I will just have to adjust my clothes, so yours will fit in there too. I have never seen so much flannel man, do you have anything else?”

“No, not really actually”

That evening the couple settled down on the couch to watch some television. Castiel laid his head in Dean’s lap and he put his arms around him.

“I don’t think I will ever get used to having you here every evening and waking up with me every morning”

“I have been staying over since months. I kinda only moved in my stuff. How can you not have gotten used to it by now”

“No, this is different. Now I know this is your home. You will come home to me every day. It's not the same”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I haven’t been this happy in a long time Cas”

Dean pulled Castiel towards him and slowly kissed him. His lips left Cas’ mouth and tasted every centimeter of Cas’ face. There was only pure love in his touch and Cas’ shivered. Why had it take him so much time to find this man. He had never felt anything like this in his life. When their lips met again, Castiel pulled Dean closer and let his tongue touch Dean’s lips. The kisses became more intense and when Castiel pulled them apart, Dean looked at him with a trusting look.

“I want you Cas”

“Are you sure, it will hurt. I told you we didn’t have to do this as long as you aren’t comfortable with it. Not all couples do this Dean, we can live without”

“I need you”

“Only if you’re sure. Let’s go upstairs, let’s do this the right way”

It didn’t take them long to get to their room and when they got there, they gently pulled each other’s clothes off.

“Just tell me if I need to stop Dean. I will stop if you don’t want to”

Dean kissed Castiel more intense and hoped that would take his worry away. Castiel put him on the bed and helped him enjoy every second of it. When they both came, they laid together in peace. Castiel pulled Dean close and put the blanket over them. He looked at the face of his lover. Dean looked tired, but it didn’t seem to be in pain. Just before he felt himself falling asleep he whispered in Deans ear.

“I love you Dean”

“I love you too Cas. Thank you”

 

_ Three weeks later _

Dean had gotten used to going home to Castiel. Most of the time when he came home, Castiel would be cooking and he would set the table. They would talk about their day and tell each other they had missed one another. Dean couldn’t believe his life had gotten so domestic and he wanted to thank Cas, so he arranged them a weekend to New York. He left work early today to tell Castiel to pack his back and drive off to New York. When he drove home he sang along to his classic rock collection. Castiel might not really like his music, but he would have to accept it this weekend. When he arrived home, a police car was parked in front of their house. Dean parked the Impale carelessly and ran inside.

“Cas… Cas! Are you alright! I saw a police car outside…”

“Yeah Dean I am fine, he came for you”

“What… why? Is Sam…”

Dean walked towards the kitchen table where Cas and the policeman sat down. What did he do wrong? He hadn’t done anything against the law in years. The only thought that came to his mind was that something had happened to Sam. His breath stopped… No, not Sam, please let Sam be okay. He kept repeating the words in his head. When the policeman turned around, Dean noticed that he was still a boy.

“Mr. Winchester?”

“Yes. Is my brother all right?”

“I am not here because of your brother, sir”

“Don’t just stand there then! What do you want from me?”

The boy walked towards him.

“My name is Ben… Ben Braeden”


	3. Ben

 

_ Three years ago _

Something had woken Ben up. He turned in his bed, not able to lay still. There was something happening today, Ben just couldn’t figure out what it was. He looked at his alarm clock on the nightstand. It was only 6 am, he still had an hour before he had to get out of bed. Then, in an instant, Ben knew what was bothering him. It was his birthday today, he was 18 now. That meant that today his mother was going to tell him. Ben had asked her often, but she always had the same answer. When he would be 18, he would be old enough to understand. Today he was 18, he didn’t care what his mother was going to say now. She was gonna tell him, this time he wouldn’t accept one of her excuses.

Ben didn’t wait for his alarm to go off. He took a shower, put his clothes on and went to the kitchen. His mother wasn’t awake yet, so Ben decided to make her breakfast. He couldn’t sit still and just wait for her to wake up.

“Shouldn’t I be making breakfast, since is your birthday?”

Ben heard his mother sleepy voice behind him, he turned around and saw her standing at the table in her bathrobe.

“It’s okay, I couldn’t sleep so I decided to start breakfast. You should get dressed, then we can have breakfast together before I go to school”

His mother nodded, but Ben saw the worry in her eyes. Lisa knew why he couldn’t sleep and she knew what was going to happen when she would come back.

“I am a bit tired Ben, can we have breakfast now and then talk over dinner?”

“No mom, we are going to talk now. I have been waiting for 18 years. It’s time. I have waited long enough without pressing you to tell me. It’s time you tell me who my father is”

“Just let me get dressed”

When Lisa came back, she was carrying a small box. Her shoulders were slightly bent as if she was carrying an invisible burden. When Ben looked into his mom's eyes, he saw sadness mixed with worry and he knew what she was afraid of.

“Mom, I am not going to leave you. I will still love you. You did an amazing job at raising me on your own, I am not going anywhere.

“Just promise me you’ll hear me out. Please don’t be angry Ben. You have to know I did it because I love you.

“Just tell me, mom”

“His name is Dean Winchester. Your father is Dean Winchester. He was twenty-one when I first met him. I was still so young, I was only seventeen at the time. I met him at a college party my friends and I sneaked into. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Of course, he noticed, he was the kind of guy that could every girl, but he came to me and we started talking. He wasn’t what I had expected him to be, he wasn’t trying to get home with me. He let me tell me about my friends, my plans and he told me something about his brother. When I think about it now, he never really talked about himself. He had a look in his eyes like he hadn’t had an easy life and I wasn’t going to scare him away. I loved it that he showed interest in me and never bothered asking about his past or anything. We left the party, but he just brought me home and asked for my number. We texted for weeks before I agreed to meet him again.”

Lisa’s eyes lighted up at the memories of Dean. She forgot why she was telling this story and went back to the time her life was filled with love and without any worries.

“Our first date was perfect. He picked me up in this amazing black old car. I think he called it his baby or something. He was so proud of it and no one was allowed to drive it. I believe even his brother didn’t drive it, afraid he would break something. Dean would kill the person who would break his car”

Lisa laughed at the memory of Dean telling her very seriously about his car and how he would torture and kill the person to hurt his Baby.

“I never took it too seriously, but when I saw him years later, he still drove that car. After our first date, we saw each other almost every day. He would be waiting for me at school or I would go to the garage where he was working. I never met any family or friends, besides his brother Sam, and the one time I asked him about it he had a lost look in his eyes and didn’t answer me. I never asked him again. Somehow I knew he wasn’t ready to talk about it, I always thought he would tell me when the time would come”

“Mom?” Lisa didn’t realize she stopped talking until Ben softly called her back to the present day.

“Yeah, sorry. I was lost in my memories, where was again?”

“You were telling about dating him”

“Ohh yes. We dated for more than 6 months and we were that annoying couple. Always together and we just couldn’t stop touching each other. He was so sweet to me and really interested in what I wanted. He never pressured me to do something, he let me do everything on my own time. Being with him made me think about the future more. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to college, I was thinking about marrying him. I was actually planning our future together, but I never told him that. I was too afraid I would lose him if I would tell him how I felt. One night, when we agreed to just watch a movie and my place, my parents weren’t home and we would have the place to ourselves, he…”

“Mom” Ben interrupted “I don’t want to hear about how I was conceived”

Lisa laughed “Don’t worry dear, by then you were already conceived, I just didn’t know it yet”

Ben sighed. “Good, because I really don’t want to hear that part”

“That night he called. When I heard his voice I knew something was wrong. It sounded like he was crying, but I’d never seen him cry before, so I didn’t ask. He just told me to come outside. When I came outside he was leaning against. He didn’t look at me. Almost as if he was afraid, I had never seen him like that. When he turned his face to me, I was shocked; his face was bruised and he definitely had cried. The tears were still on his cheeks and in his eyes. When I tried to touch him, he pushed me away and told me to listen to him. I still remember his exact words:”

“I’m sorry Lisa, I can’t let him hurt you too. Please forgive me. Forget me. You were and will always be the best that ever happened to me”

“Then he just got into his car and drove away. I tried to call him, but the first weeks he just didn’t answer and about a month later, his number didn’t exist anymore. Four weeks after he left, I found out I was pregnant, but I had no idea how to find Dean. I tried to contact Sam, but I never got an answer. I have never known what happened to them, Ben. They just disappeared. I’ve looked for them for more than a year, but then I just got angry. I had you and I couldn’t let you live thinking your father didn’t want you. So I decided to stop looking. I got a job, moved out of your grandparents' house and build a life for the two of us”

Lisa looked at Ben with tears in her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier, mom, it doesn’t sound like he is a bad man and you didn’t do anything wrong. You tried to find him. Why would you be afraid of telling me this?”

“Because this is not the whole story, Ben. I told you I’ve seen him years later. Do you remember your eighth birthday party? We had a big party in the garden”

“Yeah, I remember. I was one of the first parties you could afford, so you went all out for that one. It is one of my best memories”

“Do you remember that blond guy, he just showed up at our doorstep”

“No, not really. Why?”

Lisa took the box she carried with her to the table. When she opened the box, Ben saw some pictures of his birthday party and pictures of his mother when she was his age.

“This is where I keep all the memories I still have of him. I destroyed many pictures in my anger, so the only ones I have left is this photo of him and me on the hood of his car and the one of your birthday party. It was taken by our neighbor and I kept it with me ever since”

Ben took the first photo from his mother and saw a blond man laughing at something his mother had whispered in his ear. They looked so happy.

“This is him? This is my father?”

“Yes. It was one of the first times I took him home with me. Grandma took this photo without telling us. It was one of my favorites, he looked so happy. I’ve never been able to destroy it”

“You look so happy, mom. I haven’t seen you smile like this in a long time”

When Ben saw the second picture, he saw a slightly older version of the man in the first picture. He was eating some cake and talking to Ben. Both of them not noticing they were being photographed. When Ben saw the photo, he remembered the man. He was cool, at least that was what he had thought when he was eight. That was ten years ago.

“I remember him. I remember him talking to me about his favorite band. It was something I liked too; classic rock probably”

“He just showed up that day. He invited himself in and when I saw him I just felt that anger again. He had left me without explaining anything, but because there were other people I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t ask anything. At that time you were a mini Dean. You were exactly like him, not only physical but also how you ate, how you talked, what you liked. Dean noticed that too, so when he came to me he asked how old you were and I saw him realizing the possibilities. He asked me if you were his son. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him you were, I was too angry to give him a reason to stay. So I told him you weren’t. I told him that there was someone shortly after him and that I did a DNA test, so I knew for a fact that it wasn’t his. It was all a lie Ben, there hasn’t been anyone after him. Never.”

“You had the chance to tell him, mom. You just decided that I didn’t get a chance to get to know him”

“I know Ben. I was angry, but you and he deserved a chance. I blew that chance. He walked away and never came back”

“I know where it came from, it’s just that I had a chance to know him a long time ago, but I didn’t know. But I am not angry, mom. I don’t know what to feel, but I am definitely not angry. You did an amazing job at raising me and I love you”

Lisa started crying at those words and hugged Ben tight.

“I love you so much, dear. I am so sorry”

Ben pulled away from his mother and wiped the tears from her face. He looked his mother in her eyes. Reassuring her that it was okay, that he understood.

“Would you mind if I go looking for him?”


	4. The truth hurts

_“My name is Ben… Ben Braeden”_

There is nothing but silence in the room. No recognition in Dean’s eyes. Both men look at Ben with confusion and questions in their eyes.

“I am Lisa Braeden's son”

When Ben said Lisa’s name, it hit Dean. Lisa… His Lisa… It was like the world was spinning around him. He reached for Castiel and tried to walk back to the table. His eyes full of tears and his mind full of memories.

“Cas”

Castiel caught Dean before he could reach the chair. When Castiel got Dean on a chair he took his head between his hands.

“It’s okay Dean, just breath. We will figure it out, I am right here with you”

It took Dean a moment to calm down and come back to the present day. His head was spinning with his memories and trying to put everything together.

“I am sorry, Cas. Lisa, she is…”

“I know Dean, Sam told me. It is okay; I am still here. I am not running”

“Cas…” Dean's voice sounded broken and it broke Castiel's heart to see him like that.

“It is okay, we’ll let him talk. I’ll be right here with you. I love you, Dean. We’ll do this together”

Castiel turned to Ben and saw that he stepped back. Giving Dean and Cas the space they needed.

“Maybe we can sit down in the living room. Then you can tell us why you’re here”

Castiel helped Dean to get up and walked them to the living room. When Castiel left the room to get some water for Dean, the helplessness in Deans eyes brought tears is Castiel eyes.

“It’s okay Dean, I’ll be right back.” Turning to Ben he added “Don’t start without me here. He needs me”

When Castiel got into the kitchen he finally let himself breath and relax a bit. He was wondering what the boy was doing here. What did he want? Sam told him about Lisa and how broken Dean was after their break-up. Sam, however, never told Cas what happened, why they had broken up. But it was more than 20 years ago and it shouldn’t hit Dean as hard as it did. This was not the Dean he knew and that got Castiel worried. It seemed like Dean never really got over Lisa. What if he didn’t want him anymore? What if he wanted to see Lisa again? The worry in his heart came to his mind, but he pushed it away. He would be there for Dean, he would wait and help him figure it out. He knew how much Dean loved him and he had to believe that would be enough. Castiel took a deep breath, got the glasses of water and walked back to the living room.

“Are you okay, Dean? We can do this another time. You don’t have to do this right now”

“No, it’s okay. I didn’t expect it. Just stay with me, Cas”

“I am not going anywhere”

Castiel sat down next to Dean and kissed him on his cheek. He took Dean ice-cold hands between his. He looked deep into the familiar green eyes, telling Dean without saying anything how much he loved him and how nothing would be able to change that.

“I am not going anywhere. We’ll do this together”

A small glow of hope appeared in Deans eyes. He took a deep breath and straightened his back. He gave Cas a little reassuring smile.

“Why are you here Ben?”

“I know this is a shock for you Mr. Winchester. We don’t have to do this today, I can come back tomorrow”

It was the first thing Ben said after introducing himself and his shaky voice revealed his insecurity about all this. He watched the reaction his father had and it had shocked him. The man really didn’t forget his mother and it really hit him. When he saw how Dean reached for the other man it told Ben everything. His father had found love again, he didn’t stay alone like his mother. Ben was a little confused but didn’t want to ask about their relationship yet. It would be too soon and maybe give the wrong impression.

“First of all, call me Dean, I don’t like the Mr. Winchester thing. And secondly, you already scared the shit out of me so you’re not going to leave before I know why you’re here”

Without thinking any longer, Ben just threw it out.

“I am your son”

Dean didn’t blink, his face didn’t show his feelings, but Cas could feel his hands squeezing together. Cas took Deans hands in his lap and started massaging them; his movements calmed Dean down.

“I guess she didn’t do that DNA test then”

Ben grinned nervously. “She didn’t need to”

“But she told me that you weren’t mine. I asked her at your birthday party. I think you were around ten years old?”

“It was my eights birthday actually. She told me she was angry with you. Angry for leaving her and then come back eight years later without an explanation. She didn’t want to tell you about me. I guess she was afraid of you leaving again and this time it would hurt me. She didn’t want me to get hurt”

The pain came back in Deans eyes. He looked at Castiel.

“I never meant to hurt her. If I had known, I would’ve tried to come back and be there for her. She should have told me”

“She tried. She looked for you and your brother for more than 6 months. When she kept finding nothing she gave up and decided to put her time and energy in her pregnancy and later in me. She didn’t want to go through everything alone, but she was strong enough and she still is an amazing mother”

“Does she know you’re here?”

“She knows I am looking for you, but I haven’t told her I found you. I wanted to meet you first”

“How long have you known?”

“She told me when I turned 18”

“That has to be more than 2 years ago right?”

“Yes, I am 21 now. I tried to find you right after she told me, but I never found anything that could help me. That was around the time I decided to become a policeman. That would give me the opportunity to get access to more data. I found the law firm your brother worked and tried contacting him about some fake case, but his assistant told me that he didn’t do family law and it kind of stranded. But then I found you in an old case and decided to search again. I found you in another case and this time there was a number plate of a car. I didn’t really expect anything from it, but I tracked it and to my surprise, it was registered to a Dean Winchester. That was how I found your address and now I am here.”

“I am not the same man as I was back then”

“I know, I haven’t found you in any recent cases”

“Why did you want to find me?”

“I always wanted to know who my father was and when my mom told me about you, you didn’t really sound like an ass. It didn’t sound like you wanted to leave her back then”

“I didn’t”

“She knows. She always wondered what happened with you, she didn’t care about why you left her. She just wanted to know if you were okay. When she saw you on my birthday, she got angry. You looked fine and didn’t say a word”

“I was an ass back then. I thought we could pick up where we left, but when I saw she had a son it scared me. I ran. I am not a role model, I am not a father figure”

Castiel felt Dean shaking next to him and knew he wouldn’t be able to pretend much longer. He didn’t expect Ben to tell them something big like this, but for now it didn’t matter. Dean needed him, they would be strong together. Dean just needed some time to process.

“Maybe it’s better if we continue this another time. He needs time Ben.”

Dean straightened and Castiel saw him hanging on to his last energy. He looked at Castiel and it scared Castiel. He had never seen the green eyes so empty. He knew Dean was protecting himself, but it scared Castiel. Dean had never shut him out too, now his eyes didn’t tell Castiel how he was doing, what he really felt inside. Dean got up from the couch and walked to the door.

“Is she okay, Ben? Has she found happiness?”

“She never found anyone else. You have always been the one for her”

“I’m sorry”

“She knows and it is okay. She has found peace with it, but I am sure she will be happy when I tell her that you’ve found your happiness”

“Don’t tell her yet, I can’t promise anything. I know her, she would want to meet and I don’t know if I can”

“I can’t promise that. She needs to know, I hope you understand. I’ll give you some time to process, but I will tell her eventually. Here you have my card. Please call me. It doesn’t mind how long it takes, but please don’t ignore me. I want to get to know you. I want to know who my father is”

“Why now, Ben?”

“Because I still need a father”

“I need some time”

“I hope to see you again Dean.”

“I hope so too. Bye Ben”

When the door closed after Ben, Dean collapsed. His whole body was shaking and Castiel rushed to him. He took Dean in his arms; rocking him softly.

“It’s okay. We’ll do this together. We’ll figure it out”

When Dean heard the devotion in Castiel's voice, he let go. Tears were streaming over his face and he curled up against Cas. His tears mixing with the tears leaving Cas’ eyes. It hurt Castiel to see Dean like this. He knew Dean had pushed away some things from the past, never expecting that he would have to face them again. Dean would need to talk about this and Cas would be there for him. He would wait until Dean was ready to tell him and he would support whatever decision Dean would make. Right now it was important for Dean to feel safe, so Cas pulled him closer and tugged Deans head closer to his chest.

“It is going to be okay. You are not alone, there are people who love you, Dean. I love you. I love you so, so much”

They laid in the hallway for hours. Cas kept repeating how much he loved Dean and he felt his boyfriend relaxing in his arms.

“Come, let’s go to bed. My back is starting to hurt. I am not 20 anymore”

Cas felt Dean smiling softly. He carefully lifted Dean from his chest and they both got up and walked upstairs to their bedroom. Cas never let go of Deans hand; Dean needed his touch, he had never needed anything more in his life. It felt like the only thing that kept him from going insane. When they laid in bed, Dean crawled back to his place close to Cas heart.

“Don’t let me go”

Those words broke Cas heart and he put his arms around Dean. Cas kissed Deans hair and watched him drift off to sleep. He would do anything to make it better, but he couldn’t. This was something Dean would have to do himself, the only thing Cas could do was love him.

“Never”


	5. Strong

The next morning Cas woke up to an empty bed. For a moment he just laid there not realizing what had happened last night. When the memories hit him, Cas got up quickly. Where was Dean? Normally Cas was the one that got out of bed early to prepare breakfast on Saturday morning. Dean would sleep in a bit and Cas would wake him up with some breakfast; this time it was different. Cas didn’t see or hear Dean and it scared him. What if it was too much for him and he left, thinking he couldn’t burden Cas with this. Cas didn’t even bother to put his clothes on, he ran downstairs and when he heard Dean walking around in the kitchen, he let go of the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He waited a few minutes for his heart to calm down before he walked into the kitchen. Dean was standing in front of the fridge, he only had his sweatpants on and it stunned Cas every time to see that perfect back full of muscles. He walked towards his lover and put his arms around him. He felt Dean freeze before relaxing and leaning into his touch.

“I thought you were gone”

“I thought about it”

“Don’t. We are going to get through this”

Cas put small kisses on Deans shoulders before letting go and turning to the table, surprised to see it was fully set with a lovely breakfast.

“Are you apologizing for something?”

“Except for the fact that I have a son? No I couldn’t sleep and I needed something to do, so I decided to make us breakfast”

“You didn’t have to, you could have woken me”

“No, you looked tired and you’re always there for me. The least I can do is make you breakfast”

“I love you Dean”

They ate silently. Letting their thoughts fill the silence between them. When Cas looked at Dean he saw some rest in his eyes. As if he had decided something and Cas was surprised. Dean looked ten years older than the day before, yet there was peace in his eyes. It startled Cas when Dean waved a hand in front of his eyes. Apparently, he had been saying something.

“Sorry, what?”

“You’re that far away huh? I was saying that we needed to talk today. I’ve done a lot of thinking last night”

Cas grinned “Didn’t know you could do that”

“Cas… I am serious”

“I know, sorry. I'm here for you.”

“I know that now, that’s what made it easier to take my decision of facing my past. Last night I saw the devotion and love in your eyes and it shocked and warmed me at the same time. I never thought I would find anyone who would be there for me unconditionally, not even Lisa. She knew I had some issues, but she never asked. I used to think she was protecting me from having to tell her my darkest secrets, but now I have you, I realized she was partly protecting herself from my past”

“I don’t care about your past Dean, it made you who you are now and I wouldn’t change a thing about you”

“I know that now” Dean laughed softly “It did take a breakdown to realize it, but I am there now…”

“You don’t have to tell me now Dean. We can relax a bit and when you’re ready you can tell me”

“I will have to tell Lisa and probably Ben as well, so I want to tell you now. I need you to be there when I tell Lisa”

Cas took Dean’s hands and didn’t say anything, he just listened and it soothed Dean. This man wouldn’t judge him for what he did, he wanted to listen to what Dean had to say. The love and dedication in Cas’ eyes touched Dean and brought tears to his eyes. How could anyone love him like that?

“How much did Sam tell you about Lisa?”

“Not much. Just that she was the only person you ever loved and that something forced you to break up with her and that you were heartbroken for months”

“You know that we didn’t have the best relationship with our father. Before my mother died, my father was the best dad any child could ask for. He did everything for me and Sam, but when mom died he changed. He couldn’t look at us without being remembered of mom, so he started drinking. A lot. In the beginning, he didn’t really look after us, but he didn’t touch us either. We spend a lot of time at uncle Bobby’s place, but when uncle Bobby told dad that he wasn’t okay with how he was treating us, dad took us away from him. I was around ten and Sammy was only six”

Dean got lost in his memories and Cas could see the old pain resurface. A soft smile appeared on his face when he talked about Sammy and their time at Bobby’s. They had loved it there, Cas could see it in his eyes, but when Dean started telling about them leaving the only family they had, his eyes hardened and his face got blanc. He was trying to tell the story without going back in time and feel the pain again.

“He just didn’t care about us. He would leave us alone for weeks in a shitty motel room and I would have to find a job or steal to get food for Sammy. Most of the time he left us with money, but it never was enough for both of us. I couldn’t let Sammy starve, so I did everything I could to get food. Sometimes it was legal, sometimes it wasn’t and it scared the shit out of me. I was so afraid I would get caught, but I had to be strong for Sammy. We were changing schools almost monthly, so I didn’t even bother anymore to try and make some friends. I just did what I had to do to survive. I hated to see Sammy suffer, he used to be so happy and always smiling and I missed that. Dad never touched Sam, I made sure of that. If he came home I would make sure Sammy was in the bathroom with the door locked. When I turned 18 Dad gave me his Impala, the only good thing he ever did. The next time he came home drunk and needed to blow off his anger, I blacked out and hit him with everything I had. Sam pulled me off of him and we ran”

The anger in Dean’s voice scared Castiel. It was like he had gone back in time and was reliving the moment his father hurt him. It broke Cas’ heart to see him like this and he needed to know. Needed to know just how much that man had hurt Dean.

“Did he touch you, Dean”

“Yes, he hit me, a lot, but he didn’t touch me like that Cas”

“Dean…”

Dean squeezed Cas’ hands and gave him a reassuring smile “Never, Cas, never like that”. It calmed Castiel a bit and he nodded to let Dean know to continue.

“We ran for weeks. Driving from town to town, trying to leave no tracks. After 3 months we still hadn’t heard anything from Dad. We were scared that maybe I had killed him, but when we searched on the internet, there was nothing about a murder in that town and motel. It calmed us down a bit and Sam wanted to go back to school so I looked for a small town where we hadn’t been before and where Sam could go to school. That was where I met Lisa, we had a relationship for about 6 months and it was amazing”

When Dean saw Castiel’s face, he laughed.

“Relax, I won’t go into detail. After a few months there we got careless, we didn’t think Dad would find us anymore, so we didn’t try to cover our tracks. But when Sam won the debating contest, there was a picture published in the local newspaper and Dad saw that. One day when I came home, I heard Sam crying and someone telling him to shut up. When I ran into our room, he had Sam tied up to a chair. Tied up, Cas! He never had a chance to hurt Sam and the one time I had to chase after my own desires he found Sammy”

Tears were streaming over Deans face at the memory of Sammy tied up in their room. Crying and calling for Dean. How could he have left Sam alone? This was all his fault, Sam didn’t do anything.

“When I came into the room it startled Dad, he wasn’t expecting me yet, so I ran to Sam and untied him and told him to lock himself in the bathroom. When I made sure Sam was safe I turned back to Dad and I’ve never seen him so angry. There was nothing but anger in his eyes and when he turned to hit me, I let him. I was so relieved Sam was safe, I didn’t even think about fighting back. With every hit, he told me I didn’t have the right to leave him. I guess he just missed the money I brought in and he probably missed someone to beat down without reporting him to the police. He made me promise to go with him, otherwise, he would make my life a living hell here. I knew he was talking about Sam and Lisa. Apparently, he had been in town long enough to gather information about us. I was so scared he would hurt Sammy or even Lisa, so I told him I would go with him.

That night I drove to Lisa, told her I had to leave, but I didn’t give her an explanation. The two years after that we fell back into the old rhythm. Dad always drunk and angry, Sam silent and never smiling and I did everything to get some money. I got arrested twice and that were the hardest moments. I didn’t know what was happening to Sam, I wasn’t there to protect him. The rest of those years I blanked out, I lived like a robot. I didn’t register the times Dad beat me up anymore. I only know the one time he didn’t come home, we found him the next day in the parking lot. The doctor told us he had a heart attack. I wasn’t really sad about it, but it also didn’t bring me back to how I used to be.

We buried him there and went back to uncle Bobby. He was married to Ellen by then, but they took us in like we were still small children. I started working at Bobby’s garage and Sam went back to school and later to college. Ellen helped me get _me_ back, but I still wasn’t sure about getting back to Lisa. It took me five years before I got the courage to drive back and knock on her door. When she opened, I saw the surprise in her eyes, but that soon changed into confusion and anger. She told me I wasn’t welcome because they were having a party, but I invited myself in and she let me. When I realized it was a kids party, I thought Lisa found someone else and I was actually happy for her. Happy that I didn’t destroy her life. I got introduced to Ben and I did the calculation; I knew he could be mine so I asked her, but she told me it wasn’t. She told me she’d done a DNA test, so I let it go and left soon after. I left town again and never looked back, I went back to work for Bobby and it took me a long time to start dating again. It never felt right, though, until you came along”

Cas smiled softly at Dean. He didn’t say a word, slowly processing what Dean had told him. It was just like Dean to tell a story covering years of him hurting in such a short time. His heart ached for the brothers and their youth. How could someone survive all that and still become a friendly, full of respect and loving person? Cas knew the bond between the brothers was strong, but he never realized how far Dean would go to protect his little brother. It made him proud but also scared him a bit, but then he realized he would do the same for Dean. He would do anything to protect Dean from hurting again and he understood.

“Cas… I am sorry”

“Why are you sorry, Dean”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I did so many things I shouldn’t…”

“Stop Dean! You have nothing to be sorry about. Yes, you could’ve done some things differently, so could Lisa, so could I. The only thing you should be sorry about is for blaming yourself”

“But…”

“No but, you didn't do anything wrong, Dean. You only tried to survive. You survived”

Dean didn’t say anything, his eyes filling with tears. He just looked at Cas. The insecurity covering his face. He was struggling with letting go, years of suppressing his feelings were threatened to break him. He let go of Cas hands and stood up, paving through the kitchen.

“You need to let go Dean. You need to forgive yourself. You’ve been strong for so long now, you can let go now, sweetheart. I’ll be right here with you, you don’t have to do it alone this time Dean”

With those words, Dean let go and Castiel took him into his arms. Rocking him just like he had the night before. Dean let go of all the years he had pushed away. He cried about the times he got hurt by his father, cried about Sam, cried about Lisa and Ben. When he calmed down, he stepped away from Cas and laughed.

“Well, I’ve definitely never cried as much in my whole life as I did these last two days”

That broke the moment and Cas laughed with Dean. Happy Dean looked positive again, he took Dean back in his arms and kissed him; soft and comforting. He pulled back and let his hands wander over the still naked back and found the tense muscles. He softly starting massaging them as his mouth found Deans again. The moans escaping from Deans mouth made him laugh.


	6. Hello again

“When are you going to call him?”

“Seriously, after I just told you all of this, that’s the first thing you’ve got to say?”

Dean looked at his brother with surprise. He had told Sam everything; from what their father has threatened him with, to him having a son and all Sam could say was when he was going to call Ben? It was like he had skipped all the horrible things and just left them there to be forgotten, but Dean couldn’t forget them. He needed Sam to talk about that time, he needed Sam to admit he wasn’t the greatest brother like Sam always said. He just wasn’t and not talking about it wasn’t going to change anything.

“Seriously dude, I need you to talk about it”

“What do you want me to say, Dean? That you are an awful brother for always protecting me? There has been only that one time you couldn’t, I don’t blame you for that. You have to stop blaming yourself”

Sam sounded irritated. He knew Dean compared himself to their father, but he was nothing like him. He was a loving man that couldn’t hurt the people close to him, not like their father used to do.

“You’re not him, Dee, I need you to see that”

“I am, Sam. I left Lisa and she had to raise Ben alone. Sound familiar to you?”

“You didn’t know”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I left her with a baby”

“But I am not the person to forgive you for that, Dean. You’ll need to talk about that with Lisa, explain to her why you left her. She will understand”

“I don’t know if she will”

“Well, even if she doesn’t understand, you will have given her the explanation she needs. If the way she raised Ben tells anything, it tells me she doesn’t hate you. If she hated you she wouldn’t have told Ben about you, she wouldn’t have given him the chance to look for you. She might hate the fact that you didn’t give her an explanation, but she doesn’t hate you. You need to do this for yourself, you need to be able to forgive yourself”

“How did you get so smart” Dean smirked, not allowing himself to show the emotions his brother brought up.

“Well, at least someone got some brains in this family”

Sam smiled, knowing Deans teasing was his way to tell his brother he was right. Sam got up and pulled Dean up in a hug.

“We will all be here for you; Cas, Eileen, Bobby and Ellen, me… We won’t let you do this alone”

“Thank you, Sammy. You’re the best brother”

“Yeah, I am the only one you have, so I have to be, don’t I”

Dean stomped Sam gently to the shoulder, hiding the fact that it had hit him. How did he get so lucky, how did he end up with such a loving family?

“Hey! I didn’t deserve that!”

“Yeah, you kinda did”

\-------------------------------

That night Dean told Castiel he wanted to call Ben. It had been two weeks since Ben showed up at their doorstep and he hoped the kid hadn’t given up on him. It had taken him more than a week to sort everything out. He talked a lot with Castiel about the memories that came back up, the guilt he felt towards Sam and the guilt towards Lisa and Ben. Castiel was there for him every step of the way and when he decided to talk to Sam, Cas supported him, knowing Sam had forgiven Dean a long time ago and that he would be there for him.

“You want to do this alone?”

“No, I need you there. I’m afraid that I scared him away”

“Why?”

“I’ve waited so long, I kept postponing it”

“I don’t see why that would scare him. He told you he understood that you needed time. He has known about you for years, you only know about him for two weeks”

“Let’s just call him, if I don’t do it now, I will keep pushing it forward”

“I’ll be right here”

Dean got Ben’s card out of his pocket where it had been burning the last few days. Telling him to call Ben, but his head kept telling him there would be no turning back from that. He needed to be sure, yet he still wasn’t. That his family would be there for him, whatever his decision was, that their love wouldn’t change, told him he was ready.

The phone rang a few times and Dean silently hoped Ben wouldn’t pick up. He had no idea what he was going to say, but he hadn’t any time to think about it when there was a soft voice on the other side of the phone.

“Hello?”

The phone almost fell out of Dean's hand. He knew that voice, it was older but he would recognize it anywhere. He wasn’t even prepared to talk to Ben, he didn’t even think about the possibility of Lisa picking up. He had assumed Ben didn’t live with his mother anymore. What was he going to say?

“Lisa?” Dean whispered.

Castiel’s head shot up, his eyes widening. He looked at Dean and saw his own shock reflected in his eyes. Castiel put his hands on Dean's thighs, somehow trying to support him. Deans hand found his and he squeezed it until Cas had to warn him it was hurting.

“Who is this?” Lisa’s voice sounded tired, but still so familiar.

“I’m uhh… I was…” Dean stuttered, his brain going blanc. He had no idea what he had to say, so he sighed and just said it.

“Dean… I’m Dean”

Dean heard Lisa gasp for breath and he could almost feel her shock.

“I am sorry, Ben gave me this number. He wanted me to call him, I didn’t know I would get you. I’m sorry, Lisa…”

Lisa interrupted him and Dean heard the disbelief in her voice. “Dean… it’s you? Really?”

“Yeah. Ben found me two weeks ago, he told me everything”

“He didn’t tell me”

“I asked him not to, I needed time”

“Ben left his phone in the kitchen, if I had known it was you…”

“What… you wouldn’t have picked up?”

It was silent for a minute and Lisa sighed “I don’t know Dean”

Dean felt the pain in her voice reflected in his heart. They never fully closed their chapter together and even though it was years ago, they still felt that pain. Talking to Lisa had opened the old wound that never fully recovered. Dean thought Castiel had filled the emptiness he had felt after leaving Lisa, but her voice had ripped it all open. He looked at Castiel and saw the fear in his eyes. Dean’s reaction to Lisa had scared him, but he didn’t know how much it had scared Dean. The feelings from 20 years ago rushed back to him and at that moment he didn’t know what to do. His voice broke when he talked again.

“Can I talk to him?”

“He’s not here right now”

But then Dean heard some noise in the background. There were some muffled voices and he assumed Lisa had put her hand over the phone. The voices were too far away to understand what they were saying. After a few minutes, it was silent again and then there was another voice.

“Dean?”

“Ben…?” Dean let go of his breath, relieved that he got to talk to Ben, but he didn’t want to be the one to come between mother and son. He didn’t have the right to do so.

“Yeah”

“I can call back later, you should talk to your mother first”

“No, it’s okay. I need to know why you called”

It takes Dean a few breaths to fully understand what he was going to say. He looked at Castiel, who took his hands and nodded at him, telling him it was okay; they would figure it out.

“I want to get to know you”

It stayed silent for a long time, long enough to let Dean think Ben had broken the connection, but then he heard the soft voice of his son coming back to him.

“I would love that, thank you!”

“I don’t know how to be a father, Ben. I never had someone to show me how to be one. I don’t want you to expect too much. I can’t promise you anything”

“I just want to get to know you. We’ll see what happens, but…”

“Thank you, Ben!” Dean interrupted, relieved the boy was realistic. “I just don’t want to let you down… again”

“But I need you to give my mom an explanation, I don’t want her to get hurt again”

“I understand and I will” The lost look in Dean’s eyes ripped Castiel apart. He took the phone from Dean and pulled Dean close to his chest.

“Ben, listen, it’s Castiel. I think its best if you and your mother come over for dinner some time. Then Dean can decide if he wants to talk to you and your mother or just your mother. Right now it’s too much for him, he didn’t expect to speak to her”

“Yeah, I’m sorry for that. Mom is pretty out of it as well. Text me when and I’ll be there, I can’t promise anything about my mom”

“Thank you, Ben, so much!”

When Castiel put the phone down he pulled Dean closer and brushed his hands through the short blond hairs.

“We’re going to get through this, it’s going to be okay” Castiel's voice was shaking and he heard his own insecurity in his voice. He had seen the look in Deans eyes. He had felt Dean’s reaction for a split second and that second made him wonder if _they_ were really going to be okay.


	7. Hurt me

It took Dean and Castiel two weeks before they agreed on a date for dinner with Lisa and Ben. They hadn’t really talked about the emotion Lisa brought up by Dean and Castiel was afraid of bringing it up at all. He was afraid that if he mentioned it, it would become real. Dean didn’t react to the affection Cas showed him and it frightened him. Castiel was so afraid of losing Dean, but he knew they had to talk about it eventually and he preferred to do it before Lisa and Ben came. He had to know what Dean had to say about it. He had to know where their relationship was going. It felt selfish to think about _them_ while Dean’s life was turned upside down, but Cas couldn’t wait until after. He had never felt this insecure in his life and it scared him to death.

That night when Dean came home, Cas noticed that he was more relaxed than he had been in weeks. Dean didn’t give Cas the kiss he normally did when he came home, he had not done that since he’d spoken with Lisa, but he looked more open to Cas. His eyes were bright and it showed love. When Cas saw this, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He realized it was important to him to know where they were going, but it was even more important that Dean would be happy. He would be there for Dean during this time even if it was just as being friends.

“You look good, sweetheart”

“Thank you, I feel better” Dean looked at Cas with a small smile on his face and it warmed Cas heart.

“That’s good” his voice sounded different and Dean noticed it. 

“What is it Cas? You look scared”

Dean walked towards Cas and took his hands in his own. The past weeks he was completely absorbed with his own thoughts and hadn’t seen this fear in Cas eyes. When Cas looked down, Dean took his head between his hands and lifted him to look him into the eyes.

“I know I haven’t been here for you, but you can tell me. You need to tell me, I know this hasn't been easy for you”

Cas laughed nervously. This was the Dean he missed and yet it was someone else. He didn’t kiss his sorrow away like he used to do and it confirmed the change in their relationship. Cas knew he had to ask Dean, he had to know if Dean still loved him as he did only a few weeks ago.

“We need to talk Dean”

“About what”

“Us”

Cas felt Dean stiffen and let go of his hands. Cas turned away and walked towards the couch while gathering all his courage.

“I saw your reaction to Lisa, I know you still feel for her”

“Cas…”

“Please let me finish, Dean. I want to get this out. I’ll be here for you no matter what, but I need to know”

Dean didn’t say anything and silently sat down next to Cas. Cas eyes felt with tears when he saw the lost look on Deans face, he knew he couldn’t hide it anymore for Cas and to see his love struggle with that hurt him even more.

“I saw your reaction, Dean. I literally saw love flame up in your eyes and for a moment you weren’t able to hide it. It hit you so unexpectedly, I mean I definitely didn’t expect it and that scared me. I always thought we would grow old together, but since that moment I’m not so sure anymore. I tried to hide it these past two weeks, but it’s constantly coming back. You don’t kiss me anymore when you come home, you don’t react when I touch you. You pretend to be asleep when I come to bed and when I do touch you, you turn away”

Tears were streaming over Cas face, but he didn’t notice. He just looked at Dean, while he spat out what he had felt the last weeks.

“It hurts, Dean. It hurts to see you like this. It hurts to not being able to touch you, not holding you when you’re crying silently in bed. It hurts to see you taking your distance from me. You’ve pushed me away and it hurts like hell.”

Cas took Deans hands in his and he looked in the green eyes he fell in love with. Those eyes had never failed to tell him what Dean was feeling, but right now they were empty.

“Please talk to me, Dean. Really talk. I need to know what you’re feeling. I am not walking away, you mean too much to me. I want to help you get through this, but I need to know where I’m standing. I need to know if I'm supposed to comfort you as a friend or if I can hold you as your lover. My feelings haven’t changed, I love you, but I need to know what you’re feeling. I don’t want to hold you back Dean, you know that. I want you to be happy, no matter how much it will hurt me. You are more important to me”

Dean just looked at Cas, still saying nothing. What did he do to deserve this man? How can he answer his question and not hurt him? Cas eyes were full of love and acceptance and that made it even harder for Dean to answer. Whatever he was going to say, he would hurt Cas. He didn’t want him to hurt even more, but it wasn’t fair to let him wondering and hurting without knowing.

“I do love you Cas, you have to know that I do love you. But I also love Lisa”

Dean sighed, wiping away the tears on Cas face.

“I do love her, but I don’t know if it’s real love. I never had real closure, maybe it’s just the memory of our love, I don't know. I just know that when I heard her voice, that little place in my heart that never stopped loving her, opened up and I felt everything coming back. I need time to figure out what is going on, Cas. I need time and I know it’s unfair to ask this from you, but I need to figure out what I feel for her and what I feel for you. I need to know what is real”

“What we had these last years, was it real?” Cas voice broke when he asked Dean.

“It was. And I am so thankful for that. I never had anything more real after Lisa. I really thought that nothing could change the way I feel about you and I want you to know that I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, but I don’t know if that’s enough. All I have of Lisa are memories. Maybe I’ve made it bigger in my head all these years, but I have to know. I need to know. I can’t lie to you about this, I can’t pretend to be all in when I’m not. I hate myself for hurting you like this, you deserve so much better than me Cas”

“I only want you, Dean”

Cas knew it sounded childish, but he didn’t care. He needed to do everything to convince Dean he wasn’t prepared to let him go.

“Give me some time to figure this out, Cas. Please. I don’t deserve you, you deserve someone who is all in and right now I am not. It hurts me that I have to do this to you, but if I don’t I will always keep wondering if I did the right thing. You don’t deserve that Cas and if you want out now, I get it. You didn’t ask for this to happen and I know that let I you down. I do love you, I really do, so much, please know that. Everything we did and went through together, it was all real. I promise…”

Dean’s voice broke and tears dripped from his eyes. Cas took Dean’s head in his hands. He didn’t care what Dean just told him, he needed to feel those lips one more time. He needed to feel Dean one last time. When Dean didn’t back away Cas kissed him softly, their tears flowing together.

“I’ll be waiting. Always”

Dean pulled Cas closer and knew it was unfair to Cas to kiss him back, but he needed to show him that his love was still there. He needed to feel loved one more time. He needed this as a memory and with a silent cry, Dean opened his mouth, letting Cas in. Their kisses were tender, but slowly becoming more sloppy. Castiel put his pain and anger into the kisses and pushed Dean down, laying on top of him. Dean let him, knowing Cas needed to blow off some steam and letting himself enjoy it one last time. Cas pulled at Deans belt and a few moments later they were both naked. Touching each other, feeling every inch of skin, desperate to memorize the love they shared.

The next day Dean moved back into the apartment above the garage. He looked around and remembered the day he moved in with Cas, thinking he would never have to go back to this place. Dean let his thought go back to the morning, Cas was still sleeping when he left and he looked so peaceful. Dean had planted one last kiss on his temple and when he looked at Cas his heart was hurting. He hated himself for leaving Cas, hating himself for breaking another heart. They had agreed that Dean would move back into the garage. Cas didn’t force him to move out, but Dean didn’t want to remind Cas daily on what had happened. Cas deserved to have some peace and quiet, he deserved to have some time without a constant reminder walking around.

The day went by slowly and Dean couldn’t stop thinking about Cas. Every time he turned around he saw Cas looking at him with those loving eyes full of pain, but worst of all was that Cas didn’t blame him. He kept supporting him and he didn’t deserve that. He would understand if Cas would yell at him, but he would just look at him lovingly and it strokes Dean how much he needed Cas to be with him when Lisa and Ben would come over. He wasn’t ready to do this on his own; he needed Sam and Cas with him and he knew they would be there even though it would hurt Castiel a lot. Both Sam and Castiel had agreed to stay with him and Cas was intending on keeping his promise to cook dinner and hosting the little reunion at his place. Dean couldn’t comprehend how someone could be so strong. How could someone willingly invite someone into his house when they could destroy their relationship.

It was only two days until Lisa and Ben would come over and Dean caught himself never thinking about Lisa. All he could think about was Castiel and his unconditional love for Dean. It hit Dean that maybe, just maybe it was a sign. Maybe his love for Castiel didn’t change, maybe all he felt for Lisa was a memory of love. Maybe all he had built witch Cas these last years weren’t for nothing, but he knew he had to stay realistic. He couldn’t go back to Cas without figuring out if it really was nothing. He needed to know before he could promise Cas anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?  
> Dean & Cas or Dean & Lisa?


	8. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me so long! I'm writing my final thesis for uni, so I am quite busy. Please let me know what you think or when you have suggestions.

The two days until Lisa and Ben would come over and he would see Dean again, went by slowly for Castiel. He worked from his home office, not finding the courage to face anyone, afraid of the questions they would ask. When he looked in the mirror he didn’t recognize the face staring back at him. His eyes were empty, he looked tired and so much older. It was like all happiness was sucked out of him and it scared him. What was he going to do if Dean would go back to Lisa? Right now there was still a little hope, but when he would go back to Lisa, all hope would be gone. Castiel fought back those thoughts and tried focussing on the hope there still was, but all he could think of those two days was the time he had with Dean. But all of it was past tense and the future was so uncertain.

The day of the reunion, Cas couldn’t find the strength to work. He just stayed in his bed and ignored the phone buzzing next to him. When the doorbell rang, he got up and walked downstairs to open the door. Surprised but relieved to see it was only Sam.

“Hey…”

“Hey, Cas. Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yes of course. Sorry”

Castiel stepped aside and let Sam in and after closing the door he followed him to the living room. Sam just looked at him saying nothing and it made Cas uncomfortable.

“Why are you here, Sam? You said you would come around five to help with dinner. I know I look like shit, but I can still tell the time and it isn’t five” Cas said a bit grumpy.

“You didn’t pick up your phone and Dean was worried so he called me. He was afraid that you were ignoring him, but when I tried to call you, you didn’t pick up either. So I decided to check up on you. How are you doing, Cas?”

“Well, I look like shit. I haven’t been outside the house since Dean left, how do you think I’m doing Sam?”

“I’m sorry, Cas. I know he is my brother, but you didn’t deserve this”

“It’s not his fault, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt”

“You don’t have to do this, you know that right. Dean will understand if you cancel”

“I promised him, Sam. I can’t let him down now, he needs me”

“You are allowed to think about yourself too, Cas… You don’t have to pretend. At least not for me”

When Cas didn’t answer, Sam got up from the couch and walked to Cas, pulling him up in a tight hug.

“You’re just as stubborn as my brother you know. So if you’re really gonna do this, let me at least help you”

“Thank you Sam” Cas smiled softly, returning the hug. “I do need your help, I literally haven’t prepared anything for dinner yet. I don’t want to make anything fancy, I don’t think anyone cares what we have for dinner, but I have to show the best side of me tonight”

“Well, in that case, you should probably take a shower and put on something nice, because you really look like shit and you stink. You have to show Dean what he is missing! I’ll start with dinner”

Cas cheeks flushed red, a little embarrassed that Sam saw him like this. This wasn’t him. He would never let anyone tell him what to do and he always looked flawless, but when he smelled his armpits he had to agree with Sam. He did stink and that was not the impression he wanted to make on Lisa and definitely not on Dean. He had to be strong for Dean, he had to be there for him. When he came back to the kitchen, Sam was cutting some vegetables. He looked ridiculous in the apron he’d put on and it made Cas laugh.

“Looking good, Sam!”

“Yeah, you think? I think it might be my new thing. Do you think Eileen will like it?” Sam joked while making a small pirouette. Cas eased down when he saw Sam joking around, he wasn’t alone in this. Sam was going to be here too and all though Sam would always support his brother first,

Castiel knew he would also be there for him. He laughed and starting to gather the things he would need to make his famous burgers. Silently Sam and Cas prepared dinner together. They both had enough to think about, but there was one thing Cas needed to know. He was a little afraid to ask, but he also knew Sam would understand.

“Does he love her, Sam?” Cas asked quietly

For a moment Cas thought Sam hadn’t heard him. They both worked in silence, but then Sam turned to Castiel.

“I don’t know Cas, but I do know that I’ve never seen him happier than he was with you. I honestly don’t know what to think about Lisa, but I do know that what he had with her was a long time ago and he was different, younger. Back then Dean never let himself love anyone, he always felt the need to protect me before thinking about himself. When we thought we wouldn’t have to deal with Dad anymore, Dean opened his heart to others and Lisa was the first to have Dean as who he really was. He didn’t have to pretend with her, he didn’t have to find excuses for his bruises, he could bring her home and I think that for the first time in his life he really loved someone. I think the memories of the first person you’ve ever loved, never really go away, but that doesn’t mean you will always keep loving them the same way. Besides that, Dean feels guilty about the way he left her and I think he doesn’t think he deserves you because it makes him happy and he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be happy”

Castiel let the words sink in and he could understand what Sam was saying for the most part, but how could Dean think that he didn’t deserve to be happy. Dean always said that he didn’t deserve Castiel, but it never occurred to Cas how much he meant it.

“He does love you, Cas. He just doesn’t know how much”

Sam’s voice brought Cas back and he looked at the tall man standing next to him. A little smile appeared on his face.

“I guess I have to remind him then”

When Dean came a few hours later, Cas was completely calm, convinced to remind Dean of their love. In complete silence, they set the table and prepared the last things for dinner. When everything was ready they sat down and waited for Ben and Lisa to arrive. A knock on the door made everyone jump and they laughed nervously. Cas and Sam went to the kitchen to give Dean some privacy.

Dean couldn’t believe he was really going to do this. He was going to open the door to his son and Lisa. His heart was jumping out of his chest and he knew that when he opened the door there would be no going back. He would have to face Lisa and tell her why he left her. He would have to face the dark days from his past. He had to go back the worst memories of his life, but worst of all he had to introduce Lisa to Castiel. He was so afraid Cas would finally break and run. Dean would completely understand if he did, but he needed him. He needed him so much, Dean hated himself for doubting his love for Castiel. He took a deep breath and when opened the door his hands were shaking and he was prepared to run.

There she was. She was older, but it was Lisa. She was still beautiful, but her face was hardened throughout the years. Her eyes weren’t as innocent as they used to be. She definitely had her share of life happening to her. Lisa was wearing a tight dress that showed her curves perfectly and Dean wondered why she never found love again.

They stood there for minutes, just staring at each other, not saying anything. Dean was wondering what Lisa was thinking. Was she angry? Would she cry? He didn’t know. Dean startled when he heard a quiet laugh next to him. He turned around to see that Ben was laughing at them and he raised his eyebrows.

“Well, if you guys are just going to stare at each other, I am going inside. I could use some food”

Dean laughed and realized how much resemblance of himself he saw in the boy. And he didn’t even really know him. He’d only met him twice and the boy acted like they knew each other for years.

“Yeah sure… Cas and Sam are in the kitchen. They can help you with that”

When Ben walked away, Dean turned back to Lisa and saw the soft look she gave her boy. It reminded him of how she used to look at him. There was so much love in her eyes.

“Hey Lisa”

“Dean…”

Then Lisa took a step forward and threw herself in Dean’s arms. Her eyes were full of tears and she mumbled something in Dean’s neck he couldn’t understand. Dean doubtfully answered her hug and put his arms around her. She smelled so familiar and yet it wasn’t what he remembered.

“Please Lisa, let’s go inside”

Lisa didn’t answer him and hold him in a tight hug.

“Lisa. Let me go. They are waiting inside; dinner is ready”

“Who is ‘they’?” Lisa looked at him with curiosity. Dean was surprised. He was sure Ben had noticed that Castiel and he were together, yet Lisa didn’t seem to know it. Dean wondered why Ben hadn’t told his mother, but that was something to wonder about later. Right now he had to take Lisa inside and introduce her to Castiel.

“Sammy and Castiel, they prepared dinner”

When they walked to the kitchen, Dean saw Lisa looking around her to take in the house. It made Dean thankful that Cas was prepared to have this dinner at his house. It made a much better impression on her than his place would; there were pictures everywhere and everything was decorated and adjusted to the latest trends. When they walked into the kitchen there was laughter that turned into silence the moment they stepped inside.

“Lisa, you remember Sam?”

“Yes. Sam! You didn’t change much! Well, you grew even taller than you were back then and you’re taller. How are you doing?”

“Hee Lisa. I’m fine thank you”

They gave each other an awkward hug and then Lisa turned to Castiel, convinced the awkwardness would go eventually.

“And… who is this?”

Dean walked towards Castiel and looked between him and Lisa.

“This is my… my… This is my best friend Castiel” Dean looked at Castiel and saw the moment his heart broke at Deans words.

“Nice to meet you Castiel”

“Lisa” Cas voice was hoarse and full of tears and Dean saw him fighting to hold back the tears. Dean turned to Lisa again and guided her to the living room.

“Let’s have dinner first and then we should probably talk”

Dinner was awkward, to say the least. Sam and Ben talked a bit, but other than that is was completely silent. When it was time for dessert, Cas got up to get it in the kitchen. He walked away quickly and didn’t return. Sam excused himself to check up on Cas, but Dean stopped him.

“Let me do it, Sam. I am the one that hurt him”

Dean walked to the kitchen and didn’t see the confused look on Lisa’s face. She looked at Sam and then at Ben.

“Dean and Castiel?”

“Yes. Dean and Castiel” Sam answered promptly. He hated to see his brother and his friend hurting, while they could just be happy together. Right now he hated Lisa for doing this to them.

Cas wasn’t in the kitchen and Dean quickly found him in the garage. Covering his face he was softly crying and his shoulders were shaking. Dean walked towards him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Cas?”

Castiel didn’t react, so Dean turned him around and put his arms around him, but Cas didn’t hug him back. He just kept his hands in front of his face and silent cries were coming from his mouth.

“Please, Cas. I’m sorry. Please talk to me. Cas?”

Cas took a step back, away from Dean’s arms. When he took his hands from his face, Dean felt his heart drop when he looked in the eyes of Castiel. They were ice cold blue. He had never seen them like this and it scared him. He expected to see them full of pain, but there was nothing in there. They were completely empty, ice cold and looked at him like they had never seen him before.

“I can’t Dean. I can’t do this. I know I’ve promised you, but I can’t”

“Cas… Listen to me…”

“NO, Dean, you listen to me. I can’t just stand by and see that… that _woman_ take away the only person in my life who makes everything worthwhile” Cas voice was loud and was full of disgust.

“I love you so much it breaks me apart and you are throwing everything away we built together over the last three years. I can’t stand by and do nothing. It was your choice, Dean, not mine”

Castiel turned around and stormed outside, into his car. The tires slipped when he tried to get away as quickly as possible.

Dean just stood there, tears streaming over his face as his heart got ripped out of his chest. He couldn’t carry his own body and he slowly fell on the ground, not feeling the cold when he hit the stones. His cries and tears were silent, but his heart was screaming when he watched Castiel drive off.

 

 


	9. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long again. I was having trouble finishing this chapter. It needed to be added for the story, but it didn't feel right to me. I hope that you are still with me! Please let me know if you have any suggestions! The next chapter is going to be up sooner!!

Dean had no idea how long he laid on the cold floor when he felt Sam’s arms around him. Far away there was a voice calling him, but Dean didn’t want to face that voice. If he had to say out loud what had happened, it would be real. He couldn’t tell Sam that he had pushed Cas away as well.

“Dean! Come on man, what happened?”

Sam’s voice got louder and Dean fought his way back to his conscious. He looked up at Sam and saw the worry in his eyes. It brought Dean right back to the present and he shut his heart for his brother.  He earned the pain he felt, but his brother didn’t so he did the thing he always did when he got hurt. He closed his eyes, turned off his emotions, turned off his thoughts and looked at Sam.

When his brother turned towards him, Sam’s heart stopped for a minute. Dean’s eyes were empty and cold. They didn’t show any of the feelings Sam had expected to see. He hadn’t seen Dean like this since Dad died and it scared Sam. Over the years Dean had learned to open up and talk about his feelings and since Cas was in his life, Sam had never seen that emptiness in his eyes anymore.

“What…”

“He’s gone. I’ve fucked it up. Again” Dean’s voice was cold and without any emotion when he interrupted Sam.

“He’s gone and nothing is going to change that. I, we, have to accept that”

“Dean…”

“No Sam. I did this, I had it coming”

“Maybe if you call Cas…”

“I don’t want to hear his name, Sam! You didn’t hear him, he meant it. It’s over, accept it.”

Dean turned around and walked towards the garage.

“I’m going inside. I should talk with Lisa and Ben. You can either come with me and shut up about _him_ or you can go home”

The harsh tone in Deans voice scared Sam. It had only taken his brother one minute to turn back into the old, scary Dean. A man who would pretend to be totally okay with Cas leaving, who would pretend that it didn’t hurt him, a man who looked fine on the outside but was dying inside. This time he wouldn’t be able to make his brother feel better, this time it felt different. It felt definite.  

Once Dean was inside, he stood still for a minute. He let go of his breath and felt the pain burning inside, but he didn’t care. He did this and there was no going back, it didn’t matter what others would say. He just had to talk to Lisa and Ben, after that he would be able to leave this house. It was full of happy memories and everywhere he looked he saw Cas with those cold eyes. Dean took a deep breath and walked into the living room.

“I’m sorry, where were we?”

“Dean, are you okay?” Lisa looked at him with concern and took a deep breath before she asked;

“Are you and Castiel okay?”

“Don’t… Not you… You don’t have the right”

“I’m really sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean for this to happen”

“You didn’t? Then why did you tell me that I wasn’t the father? Why did you lie to me? Why Lisa?”

Dean gestured around him while the pain came back in his voice

“All of this… Lisa… All of this wouldn’t have happened if you had told me. He didn’t deserve this”

“I was angry Dean, you left without an explanation”

Dean and Lisa stood in front of each other. Both of them hurting, both of them not ready to let go. When Sam walked into the room, he could feel the tension and he quickly noticed that he had to do something before Dean would break. He looked at Ben, but the man was of no help.

“Please, guys. Let just sit down and talk. Both of you got a story to tell and you both need to know everything before you make any assumptions”

Sam took Dean by his arm and kindly pulled him towards the couch.

“Tell them, Dean. You need to let it go now”

It took Dean a few minutes before he could find the strength to tell his story. He started by the death of his mom and ended by the day Ben showed up. He couldn’t look at them when he was talking, so he just looked down to his feet. He felt Sam’s hand on his back and it gave him the strength to finish the story without breaking. He didn’t tell Lisa and Ben about Castiel and they didn’t ask. For now, it wasn’t important, for now, the three of them needed to figure this thing. They needed to figure out what their relationship was going to be, they needed to figure out if they could let go of the old feelings.

“You could have told me, Dean, I would have understood. I could have helped you”

“With what Lisa? You couldn’t have stopped my father from hurting Sammy, you couldn’t have stopped him from hurting me. You didn’t know him, he would keep his promise. He would have hurt you just to get back to me. He needed me to help him with all the illegal stuff he did and he wasn’t going to let me have a girl who could link him to all those actions. I know you mean well, but you couldn’t Lisa. I needed to protect Sammy. I needed to protect you”

“But you didn’t protect me from hurting Dean. You broke my heart and you didn’t even explain why. I looked for you for so long… I tried to call you, but every contact information I had was dead”

“I’m sorry Lisa. I know I hurt you, I was young and stupid. But even if I could go back with everything I know now, it wouldn’t have changed anything. You were better off without me, especially pregnant. What kind of father would I have been? I couldn’t even protect Sammy, how was I going to protect a little baby?”

“Dean, I…”

“No Lisa, you need to understand this. I’m a coward. I am 90 percent crap. I wasn’t going to stand up against my father. And that left only one option and that was to leave you and protect Sammy. I promised to always look out for him and I wasn’t going to break that promise. I always thought you would find someone else and forget me”

“I’ve never forgotten you. I couldn’t. I had Ben and he was just like you: always smiling and helping others. How could I forget?”

“I didn’t know”

“I get it, Dean. You didn’t see a way to keep us in your life and protect everyone you loved. Did you ever think about what you wanted?”

“That wasn’t important. I needed to protect Sam”

“I think I understand. I will need some time to process, but I think I understand Dean. I can only hope you will understand me”

“Why didn’t you tell _me,_ Lisa? I know I wasn’t perfect, but if you’d told me I would have been there”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen. I just broke when you left and then I found out I was pregnant. I was in a dark place, Dean. But when Ben was born, he opened something in me. I fought to get back where I was, I took all the jobs I could get and got ourselves an apartment. It took some time, but we built a life together. Ben started asking about you when he noticed that other kids at school had a father. I always told him that I would tell him when he would be 18. When he turned 8 he told me he was old enough and demanded to know everything. It took me a lot of strength and promises to convince him that it wasn’t time yet. And just a few hours later you showed up. I got so angry, I had to pull every string I had to get Ben to celebrate his birthday and then you just show up. It broke something inside. And then I saw you putting two and two together and I just couldn’t tell you he was yours. I couldn’t let you hurt him or take him away from me”

“I would never do that Lisa”

“I know that now, but you left me and I was so afraid that this time I wouldn’t be able to get over it. I knew I would have to let Ben go eventually, but at that moment I couldn’t. I couldn’t let you take him”

“I would never take him from you, Lisa. I hate that you think I would. I really like to get to know my son, but I only want that if you and Ben are willing to try this”

“What are you suggesting?”

“I want to get to know my son and you are part of his life, so you will be here with us as well. But that’s it, Lisa. I cannot give you more. I want you to know that beforehand. I know it sounds weird, but I cannot do the relationship thing anymore and you need to know that. I’m only going to tell you this once, I’m not the kind of person to talk about my feelings”

“That’s okay” Lisa smiled softly “You just have to ask Ben what he wants”

Deans cheeks turned slightly red. He’d forgotten Ben was in this room.

“I hope you can forgive me, Ben and I truly hope you want to get to know me too”

“I do, Dean. I would love to, thank you.”

Dean sighed, he was so tired. It was like this day had made him 30 years older, he just wanted to sleep and forget. He wanted to leave this house full of memories. Everywhere he looked there were memories of better times. There were memories of Lisa mixing with the memories of Cas and it was like his head was going to explode.

Sam saw his brother struggling and decided that it was enough. He didn’t want to interrupt when Dean was finally letting go of his past, but right now he had to step up. His brother was falling apart and it wasn’t going to be long before he would let go of everything.

“Lisa, Ben… I think it is time to go. We’ll keep in touch”

“Can I give you a hug, Dean?” Lisa asked shyly.

Dean hugged Lisa and Ben. When they’d left, Dean got into the Impala. He didn’t have the strength to start the engine and drive back to the garage, but he couldn’t stay here. When Sam got in next to him it was like they stepped back in time. Back to the time when it was just the two of them. Sam looked at Dean and smiled.

“It’s going to be okay. Just go to sleep, it will all be better when you wake up”


	10. Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying with me! Your comments and kudos inspire me to keep writing!

**_Dean_ **

Whatever Sam told him, it didn’t get better. It had been five weeks and the pain was still there. Dean had never felt this empty in his life. Time went by slowly and every day was the same: he would wake up, go to work, come home, take a shower, eat something and go back to bed. The Saturdays he spends in the local bar, getting drunk and forgetting Castiel only to wake up on Sunday with an empty, aching feeling. His family tried to cheer him up, but they all failed. Dean gave short answers to their questions, but never responded to their teasing and joking around. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he laughed, couldn’t remember the last time he felt happy.  

It was Wednesday evening when Dean heard a car pull up at the garage. He put down his bottle of beer and walked out to see who came around at this time. To his surprise, Charlie stepped out. He hadn’t seen her in weeks and somehow he felt that she didn’t come for a beer.

“You know you’re an asshole right?” was the first thing Charlie said when she saw Dean.

It had taken Charlie a lot of strength to not hunt Dean down the moment Castiel showed up on her doorstep, but Cas made her promise to leave him alone. But after five weeks nothing had changed and all Cas did was work and sleep. Every evening Charlie heard him cry and call Dean’s name in his sleep. It was tearing him apart and it broke her heart to see her best friend like that. Charlie had always liked Dean, but she couldn’t let him destroy Castiel. Last night when she heard Cas crying in his bed again, she made up her mind and drove out to confront Dean.

“I’m sorry, Charlie”

“You’re sorry? Really? That’s the only thing you’ve got to say?”

“It’s just…”

“No, Dean. You didn’t have the right to hurt him like that. He did everything for you, waited for you when you were afraid to tell your family about him. He even stayed with you when you got confronted with Lisa. And the only thing you’re going to say is sorry? Didn’t think you were that pathetic”

“Charlie, please let me explain”

“What is there to explain? Cas told me everything and I just don’t get it. Why you would ever doubt your love for Castiel? You always said that you’d never felt like that before”

“And I didn’t”

“Then why, Dean?”

“You know how hard it was for me to come out to my family and when I got confronted with Lisa that came back up. The insecurities of what others would think about my relationship with Castiel came back. The old feelings for Lisa came back up and I took that for love. It felt like the last straw I had with my past and I needed to take it”

“You don’t get to play the gay card with me, Dean. Not with me…”

“She knew me as a guy that wasn’t afraid of anything and I wasn’t that guy anymore and it scared the hell out of me. The moment I realized I was afraid of losing Cas, losing the only man that knew every part of me, I knew I’d gotten weak. I couldn’t protect myself anymore.”

“Still doesn’t explain why you broke his heart”

“I tried to protect myself, it was the only thing I’ve ever learned to do. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t protect myself anymore. I couldn’t protect myself from hurting and I definitely couldn’t protect Cas from hurting. I hate myself for taking so long to realize that, but the moment I saw Lisa, I knew everything was just a memory. I knew I needed to be with Cas, but before I could tell him, he was gone.

“What is stopping you to tell him now?”

“He left, Charlie. He told me loud and clear that it was over”

“That’s not an excuse”

“How is that not an excuse?”

“You told him you loved someone and you expect him to stay with you until you’ve figured who you want to be with? That’s not fair”

“But he promised…”

“No Dean. You don’t have any excuses for not calling him, not even texting him if he was okay. You must have noticed that he didn’t even come back home”

“I didn’t think he would want to hear from me”

“You boys are so stupid. Of course he’s not going to call you first. It doesn’t work like that Dean. You broke his heart, so you’re the one that needs to take the first step in trying to heal it again. I am not saying he will take you back, but at least help him to give closure. Tell him that you were wrong, tell him you don’t love Lisa, tell him you love him”

“I can’t”

“Why…”

“You didn’t see him, his eyes were so cold. I can’t tell him I love him when he isn’t going to say it back”

“Is this where you are _‘protecting yourself’_ again” Charlie air quoted him sarcastically.

“I need to…”

“You need to stop thinking about yourself for once. What do you have to lose? It’s not like you are in a great place yourself. The worst that can happen is that he will tell you to fuck off and don’t get me wrong because I really think you deserve that, but you need to show him that those past years meant something to you”

“He knows that already”

“Does he? Did you tell him that after Lisa appeared? Because that makes a big difference”

“No, but I’ve told him more than once that I’d never felt this happy”

“You also told him you loved Lisa. What do you expect him to think?”

“I don’t really know”

“Exactly. You don’t know anything. Man up Dean, show him he’s the only one for you. He’s not going to come to you, this time it’s all on you. You can choose to be a coward or show him that you are not afraid to put your heart out for him”

“This is real life Charlie, it’s not the _Notebook_ ”

“Really, that’s the movie you’re going with? There were so many options here, yet you choose the _Notebook_? Well, she did go back to him in the end, let’s hope it’s a sign”

Charlie turned around without saying another word and stepped in her car and drove off. Her words made Dean laugh, she was definitely angry when she stepped out of her car an hour earlier, but her last words showed the real Charlie. For the first time in weeks, Dean felt a little flame of hope stir up in his heart. What if he took a leap of faith for once? Was it really going to end worse for him than it already was?

**_Castiel_ **

Castiel looked at Charlie with anger spreading in his body. He had noticed she was gone the moment he got out of bed that morning. When she didn’t come back around dinner and didn’t answer his texts he started to worry. He couldn’t sleep that night and when he heard her car on the driveway, he rushed downstairs. When Charlie looked at him, he saw guilt in his eyes. Castiel subconsciously took a step back when Charlie tried to walk up to him and give him a hug. As soon as she told him where she’d been, he felt betrayal in his heart.

“You did what?”

“I needed to confront him, Cas. I couldn’t just stand by and let you do this on your own”

“You didn’t have the right”

“You’re my best friend, Cas. I have the right to stand up for you”

“Not like this”

“What do you mean?”

“You promised me, Charlie. You promised me to leave it alone. I needed you to have my back, I needed you to help me get over him. I just needed my best friend”

“I didn’t know what I could do Cas. You are crying yourself to sleep every night, don’t even try to deny it. I can hear you, the walls aren’t that thick. You’ve lost at least ten pounds. The real Cas is fading away and I can’t let that happen”

“You could have hugged me, tell me I was going to be okay. Whatever it is people do to get over break-ups. There was only one thing that you weren’t supposed to do. You weren’t supposed to go to Dean, you should have respected my choices”

“Even though I know you still love him and you’re only getting worse?”

“It’s supposed to get worse before it gets better. You don’t get over someone you’ve been with for years in a few weeks. Especially when you still love them like hell, but they don’t love you back”

“That’s where you wrong, though”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. I don’t expect you to understand what it’s like to get over someone you’ve been with for years”

“That’s not what I meant, but you’re right Cas. I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone you really love, but I do know that it doesn’t have to be like this. There are ways to make it easier, to forget”

“Then what did you mean, Charlie?”

“You’re wrong, he does love you”

“I know. He loves me in his own way, but not like how it was”

“You’re just as stubborn as he is, you know that?”

“This has nothing to do with stubbornness. He made it very clear that he doesn’t love like that, but that’s not the point right now Charlie. This is about us, I trusted you”

“No, this is not about us. You’re getting angry with me because I am the only one you can get angry with right now. Don’t confuse that with trust”

Cas sighed and fell down on the couch. Charlie was right, he wasn’t angry with her. He probably would have done the same when it was the other way around. Deep down he wanted to know what Dean had said, but on the other hand, he was afraid it would only confirm his feelings. Dean was probably happy with Lisa and Ben, not even thinking about him anymore.

“You’re really that stubborn that you’re not gonna ask me what he said?”

“I don’t know Charlie. What if it’s just like I had told he would react”

“You really think I’m that bad of a friend, that I would tell you he told me that you meant nothing to him? I would have come up with some excuse why I wasn’t home today. He really does love you, Cas”

“Not like he loves her”

“Just look at me, Cas” Charlie took Castiel’s head between her hands.

“He does love you, he just doesn’t know how to show you. I know this isn’t an excuse for what he did, but he does love you”

“I don’t know if that’s enough, Charlie. I’ve waited for him when he was afraid to come out, I’ve been there for him when he found out he had a son. What is it going to be next time? I don’t want to wait for him every time something unexpected happens. I don’t deserve that”

“Is there even a little chance of the two of you getting back together?”

“I don’t know Charlie, I really don’t know”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So tell me, what do you think Dean needs to do to regain the trust of Castiel?


	11. Update!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update about the delay

Dear readers,

Thank you for sticking with me for so long.  
Unfortunately, I've had an accident two weeks ago and I am still in the hospital.  
This is my first chance to update you and I am sorry that I wasn't able to publish any new chapters.  
I hope to write my next chapter this week or at the latest next week.  
I am really sorry for the delay!  
Thank you so much for your understanding!

Kisses


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